I'm realizing that I'm not lazy, rather I'm fearful. I'm afraid of interacting with people.
My biggest fear is bothering people with by problems. I learned to not talk to others about my problems, because no one cares, it'll burden the person I'm telling it to, and talking about it produces no solutions anyways. Where did I learn this? I don't know. How do I unlearn it? I guess I should just talk to more people and learn that most people to do care, that it wouldn't burden my friends, and that sometimes people will suggest a solution I might actually like. Or was I right in the first place?
Another fear that is dissolving is fear of judgment. I really don't like to be judge I'll go so far as leave the building you are in if I feel that you are about to judge me. Most people don't judge though, or at least judgment is always passed on misunderstandings of me or the world. Having conversations with people will help ameliorate that.
I guess that's the key, to have conversations, but I don't want to bother anyone. Somewhere I learned that it would be better if I was a ghost. Doing good with no one noticing me.
So much to unlearn.
Wednesday, 29 October 2008
Hmm, actuary work. A friend of mine was looking for someone to study with to be an actuary, then he got the sads. I wonder if deciding to try to be a actuary would cheer him up or make him horribly disappointed because it's too late.
I wonder if I'm capable of romantic love, or if I would care about my child so much that I would care about his/her mother. I don't love, I just want to be cured from loneliness. I guess I should get a dog.
I had this wierd dream and I'm wondering if my desire to beat up strangers is some kind of perverse manisfestation of my sexual frustration.
I'm on this academic contract saying i'll need to get c's in two math courses and on GE course. I have a fourth GE that I failed to drop in time, but I think i'm just going to take the failing grade. I wonder If that would void my contract.
