I was wondering about what it was that I did for fun as a kid. I was wondering because I was wondering why I like video games. It's not because I played a bunch as a kid. I didn't have many friends as a kid. The friends I did have did play video games, but video games wasn't really how I interacted with them. I never practiced at games like they did. While they acquired skills to play Counter Strike and Star Craft, and talked about selling the loot they found in Diablo, all I did was listen. My parents didn't buy me Counter Strike, Star Craft, or Diablo. I never asked. My uncle gave me a copy of Star Craft, but I still didn't really get into it. I think it's because people moved on when I got it. In college I played DotA. Not well. I didn't care to play well. No one wanted to play with me because I was so bad. I had some fun despite being so bad, but I didn't make any new friends over the game.

I watched a lot of TV as a kid. Alone. I watched so much TV my dad installed physical locks (key operated power switches) on our TVs. I don't really really remember what I did when the TVs were locked. I never really developed a kinship with people who watched TV either. Mainly because I didn't know any, or because I watched shows that were unpopular. I remember following Firefly and Farscape in high school. I watched a lot of afternoon cartoons too. Batman The Animated series was one that stood out. I often found myself at the Discovery Channel or the History Channel. I still enjoy watching most documentaries.

I've been wondering about my personality, about who I am, and where I come from, hoping to get a clue about where I am going. I've been described as sad and depressing. That's what I think too. I have the habit of telling myself that I'm crazy, that I'm some sort of monster, that I'm a horrible person, and that I'm unfit for society. This happens involuntarily and after I've been thinking about my past actions and behaviors. My mom tells me that I have to tell myself that I'm a good person full of capability, but I can't lie to myself. I don't honestly believe I'm a good person full of capability. I don't know if I honestly believe I'm a bad person devoid of all capability either though. I do wonder what it is that I'm capable of though. twenty-three years of life has not yielded anything I think is useful to show for it.

All I have to offer at this point in my life seems to be this log of my introspection. I don't know what I'm suppose to do with it. I doubt it's worth much. Not enough to sustain my life at least.

Why did I make such a big deal out of my parents neglecting me? There are plenty of kids that are neglect that seem to turn out alright. What makes me so special? Why did I make a big deal of it? Is it a big deal?

The emotion I was feeling at the time. That was special and I wanted to tell the world. But I'm afraid that I was obnoxious about it. Was I?

I'm feeling sick again. I'm trying to figure out what classes I need to take at the community college. I have an academic counseling session December 2nd, but my mom is yelling at me now because she's afraid classes will be filled. I just don't know how to deal with her insanity.